“I have two dads”

13 Feb 2012 2 Comments

by Ryan Verghese in East Asia

You can learn a lot about a person by knowing about their family; and in the villages I have visited that is more true than ever!

In my first night in the area, we were welcomed by a friend, called “Peter”, who kindly invite us to stay at his house. On the way there, we started asking about Peter’s family. Part way through, he casually said “I have two dads”. 

A bit confused, we asked how he had two dads. He replied “It is the same with my brother and I. We are husband and husband and wife”.
Yep, that’s right. Although now technically illegal, here in this part of east Asia, the traditional culture still includes the practise of polygyny (having multiple wives) and polyandry (having multiple husbands). What happens is that a set of brothers will be married to one woman, or a set of sisters to one man. Apparently, a set of brothers can be married to a set of sisters, but I have not yet encountered that confusing situation!

When we got to Peter’s house, there it was. Peter’s older father was definitely the head of the house, with the place of honour next to the fire, with Peter’s second dad sitting across from him. Peter is the second husband to his own wife, his older brother set to be the next head of house. Peter’s grandmother and grandfather also lived there, and Peter and his brother had a small child, constituting the fourth generation living under the one rather large roof. 

The question that comes to mind is, how does that work in the bedroom…? Sadly I still have no idea. In houses like Peter’s, men and women of all generations sleep separately. I imagine that they must sleep together occasionally, but I am not yet game to ask how they decide when, or who will be involved. Is there a negotiating process? Is it done according to a traditional timetable? I hope to find out. 

As you might expect, this all makes it fairly difficult for husband and wife to show love to each other! In a sense, this may be true. Even in the home, I saw almost no affection between husbands and wives. They would seldom speak and would never touch. In Peter’s house, I had to guess which of the young women was his wife – and I guessed incorrectly!

 However, I began to wonder whether this was a matter of deeper cultural difference. For us westerners, personal affection (“chemistry”) make up a large part of the value of marriage. Out here, it seems that the value of marriage is to provide a stable base for the community and for all members of the family through sharing resources and raising children who will care for the elderly. Our economic position means that we do not highly value these kinds of functions, but I can see how this kind of focus actually results in much more stable marriages and families, in that sense, divorce is almost unheard-of here, as far as I can see. 

However, the twenty-first century has come, and every home now has a TV where very different values are espoused. How have the younger generations responded? I’ll explore this further next time.